Lasting Love

~ photo taken by my sister-in-law, Karen ~

[pictured: Frieda (80) her son, Jim and her husband, Jim (83)]

On September 2, 2014, my parents will have been married 60 years. On their recent trip to Germany and Austria with my brother, Jim and his wife, Karen (in celebration of my mother's 80th birthday) my parents renewed their vows in Mirabell Palace where they originally got married in 1954. 

These are the words I wrote for the Justice of the Peace to say at the ceremony:

When you came together from different worlds sixty years ago, you had no idea what lay ahead for either of you. You vowed to love, honor and cherish each other through all things; to walk together on an adventure of living. During those years, you have weathered many storms and basked in countless blessings. You have stood strong, side by side, in joy and sorrow, defeat and triumph, laughter and tears, never breaking your pledges.

As you come full circle to the place where you began your walk, hand in hand, you can stand proud before God and your family knowing that you fulfilled your promises to one another and shown us all true dedication, commitment and never-ending love.

Flash 55 - Mixed Messages

You need to lose weight.

Yes.

Worrying about you will put me in an early grave.

Ah, huh.

Did you like the cake I made?

I didn’t have any.

I’ll give you some.

That’s half the cake.

Take it home.

You just told me my weight was killing you.

You never listen to me anyway.

Join in the G-Man's Weekend Kick-Off Party. It only costs 55 words.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mothers and mothers out there.

I'll have 3 generations of mother's at my house today. 

I plan on consuming copious amounts of peach margaritas. 

My mother is 79 and I am 54. 

The most important thing to my mother regarding me 

is that I never comb my hair enough. 

Sad. 

My daughter and I are best friends. 

Happy.

Pull the Plug

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I have been wallowing. Since I don’t have to get up to go to work, once I got sick on Monday or Tuesday (I don’t really remember as the days are running together) I have been doing nothing except taking naps. My sinuses are clogged and that makes me cranky and I can’t think.

It must have been Monday, because I copped out on the ending of the mini story I wrote for Trifecta. I took the easy way and ended it with wishful thinking instead of a proper ending. The story with the correct ending will follow this journal post. I think it’s more realistic and more heroic.

Wednesday was the last of the doctor’s appointments for my father’s prostate procedure. It looks like we are all good. He’s running around like a spring chicken. Out getting his daily fresh rolls and lunchmeat for their lunches. I think he’s having flashbacks to living in Austria. Shopping was done every day.

I had to take my father to an appointment at 08.00 which meant I had to get up by 06.00 so I set my alarm for 05.00 and I slept like crap all night. I am truly a sick person. How is it normal for someone to have high anxiety of such rediciulously mundane circumstances. We got done in ten minutes (the nurse took out the catheter.) I went home and took a nap until 13.00 when it was time to take him back to see the urologist. I dropped him off as they surprised me by telling me I had to take my mother to Boscov’s to get Tag-Away. Boscov’s sells all of the As Seen On TV items. Mt mother and I had the “Why don’t you like shopping?” talk, AGAIN. I hate shopping. I don’t like to browse. Stores are like torture chambers to me. I am a grave disappointment to my mother.

But guess what? She told me she loved me the other day. I didn’t say it to her first and it wasn’t a High Holy Holiday or my birthday or anything. I still don’t know what to make of it. First and only time so far in my life. You like that little bit of hope there on the end of that last sentence? I am always full of hope, though it is quite guarded. Certain things just can’t be expected. I’m 55. The odds of her saying “I love you.” to me first again in either of our lifetimes is slim. That’s ok. I’m used to doing things first, or for myself, or even alone. I have decided to hear her voice telling me she loves me in my head from now on instead of all of the other stuff she usually says. I think I will be happier. I gave up my grudge against my mother years twenty years ago when I realized I wanted her in my life but I could not change her. This may seem a meager reward to you but I think it was worth it. I was re-reading this papagraph and the first few sentences remind me of the joke men tell about their birthdays and blow jobs. It’s funny because it’s true.

I struggle so hard to build and maintain a routine and it just doesn’t go well. QV went to work, last night. the project he’s on is all night work. I am way way happy he’s working but now there’s another change to my routine. I’m thinking it was a mistake to take the butterfly (and the constant change it represents) as my avatar, sigil, sign, totem - way of life.

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The Sky is Falling

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Snow. We have a snow storm bearing down on us again. This one may even produce the amount of snow forecast. Previous storms were nothing to us. It’s 07.24. The clouds are heavy and large flakes are falling. So far the ground is just wet.

QV is sick. Has been since Saturday morning. He’s not a very good sick person. He doesn’t listen. I have to browbeat him into taking his Airborne and cold medicine to stop him coughing and help him sleep. He felt better Sunday afternoon and actually ate something. I wonder if I brought something home from the hospital. I have a sore throat but mine didn’t start until during the night last night while I was sleeping. I’m going to say he brought something home. It’s all QV’s fault.

Saturday night around 22.30, my father couldn’t pee. His bladder got distended and he was in pain. My parents did not call us. At 04.30, my father drove himself and my mother to the emergency room. They called my brother at 06.00. Oh, their heater went out during the night, too. My father got a new catheter. Doctors said there was a clot in his urethra. They all went home. My brother got them settled, had the heater man out, heater fixed. Then my father had two “accidents” so my brother feared that he had another clot. Back to the emergency room. The balloon around the catheter was only inflated one inch when it should have been inflated three inches. I’ll be calling my parents in about a half hour to see how they made out.

I drove myself crazy last week trying to think of the word “routine.” I have dysnomia, so I often have trouble thinking of the exact word I want for things. It’s why I don’t go on Jeopardy. Between that and my dyslexia, writing can be a challenge and time consuming. The dysnomia is another reason I am not a very good conversationalist. People get bored when every other word is thingamajig or doodgmahicky. Did you know that they are actual words? Spell check recognized them.

My routine got knock completely out of whack last week and I was not happy. I just got done setting it up and had plans to follow it to some successful writing last Monday. Instead, I spent the week in and out of the hospital and doctor's office. Maybe I can start over today.

At the bottom of my posts, I had the star rating system. Someone gave my post entitled “RRRrrrrrrrr!” one star which means “I hate it.” I was so obsessed over that one star all weekend. I couldn’t figure out who gave it or why they hated it. Because I couldn’t get it out of my mind, I took the star rating out. It didn’t seem very helpful and I refuse to allow myself to be tortured by someone in a hood without the balls to say they didn’t like it to my face.

I will never go to the grocery store on a Sunday again. Those people were vicious. The place was packed and they all acted like they were the only ones in the store.

I think it’s time to re-read the Harry Potter series. I do it every couple of years. It’s like visiting a friend you know so well you don’t have to speak. You look each other in the eyes and laugh at a shared joke.

Back to Normal

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Everything is back to normal between me and my mother. She was so nice to me on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. On Thursday, when she knew my father would be coming home and he would be ok, she was back to criticizing me. I had hopes that she would remain as pleasant and nice as she was on the first three days of the week but no such luck. It amazes me after fifty years I can still hope for change. I guess it is good that hope never dies but it sure is disappointing to be disappointed repeatedly.

My new kitchen table and chairs make me happy. We were left some furniture in the house when we bought it (we bought the house from friends.) The kitchen furniture had metal legs and the table a plastic covered top. The seats were cloth. Not good for cleaning up after a three year old. It was all too big for the space, too. We have an older house that began as a “summer house” on the Delaware River for Philadelphia residents back in the Thirties. Started out small and bits were added on. I found a wooden set with leather-like seats. The table is six inches more narrow and about ten inches shorter. And there’s a bench for the wall side of the table. It has a dark finish so it contrasts nicely with the strawberry blond color of the cabinets. The set has all of the features I wanted. Now I need to find bar stools for the counters. They are metal, too. Clumsy and loud and cold.

I promised myself I would not leave the house today because of all of the running around I did all week but the sky is clear and blue and the sun is shining. I need to write today. What to do? What to do? Maybe I’ll take short walking breaks between three hour writing sessions. Although it is very windy and cold out there. The flags on the sailboat masts in the marinas next to us are flapping like someone shaking out towels. I’ll just start writing and see what happens. I may need breaks or I might not come up for air until it’s dark out.

I think I came up with a job to look for when I get my resume reworked. We had people from our insurance companies come in to do Safety Reviews. One of the consultants told me I had the perfect “skill set” to do the job. I wish I had paid more attention as I don’t know what the job title was. I’ll figure it out. I made notes for my resume, too. I will rewrite my resume during the first week of April and then start sending it out to see what turns up. I haven’t gone on a job search in sixteen years. I suppose this is how people feel when they get divorced after a long time. I can go about three months without panicking.

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Revenge vs Karma

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I had revenge dreams last night. Actually they were more like dreams of Karma. I have thoughts of revenge all of the time but I never act on them as they usually backfire. I believe in Karma. People get what they deserve. i may never know about it because it can take a while and people are good at hiding things. It’s like those perfect families you see on the news who are on the news because they had a severe meltdown.

In my dreams last night the Man was caught out in all of his misdeeds and everyone told him he got caught because he got rid of his voice of reason.

A packeted mall and a huge maze like castle featured as settings. I love when big stone castles are in my dreams. It is so much fun running around in them hiding and escaping from the bad guys trying to get me. I had a hot, fun boy friend too which was a new twist and one I liked. I’m going to request this feature in future dreams.

The vendor I spoke of yesterday who tracked me down at home called me to let me know how much he misses working with me. He told me what a great job I always did. He offered to be a reference when I start seriously looking for work.

I talked to another vendor I worked with who offered to keep her ears open and refer me to any of her clients that may need my skills.

These folks were always very helpful and have made me feel very good.

My father came home from the hospital yesterday. I got him and my mother all settled in, gt his prescription, her bleach and left to the sounds of my mother bitching at my father. Everything is getting back to normal. This morning I have to take them to his doctor’s appointment at 09.00 to get his catheter removed (hopefully) and then maybe my life can get back on track. I’ve been making notes in between trips to the hospital and my mother complaining about my large purse and not paying attention to her but that’s not particularly satisfying. I need several hours of uninterrupted writing time or I may burst into flames.

April is a week away and I am beginning to have a nervous breakdown whenever I think about doing my resume and picking a new job. I am getting so much pressure from people to go get a “job.” Few people understood my need to take March to regroup. And it turns out I did not have as much time as I thought I would have as great chunks of time were used for family obligations to which I could not say no. No wonder artists make such poor family members. You have to be really selfish to get anything done. I have to be more selfish. I want a writing career, damn it. I do. I really, really do!

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Good Deeds, Punished

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I got yelled at in the grocery store yesterday. I took my mother shopping in between visiting my father in the hospital. I offered to take her list and do the shopping for her but she wanted to do it herself. Apparently, only she can pick out a proper head of cauliflower. I was allowed to track down the wax paper that was on sale. It appears my mother was right to question my abilities because I couldn’t find the damn stuff. I stopped at the customer service desk. The store employee was already waiting on someone so I waited patiently. I hate when people just walk up and think it’s ok to “just ask one question” while a person is busy. I waited my turn. But then the employee asked me if she could help me, so I asked her about the wax paper. the man she was helping first YELLED at me that she was already helping him. Not one to be outdone, I immediately YELLED back at him that I was answering the question I was asked. I did not butt in. The employee said she could do two things at once to him. He said he was in a hurry, all snotty like. The employee never paused in doing the task for him. I kept staring at him until he left. He wouldn’t look at me. Score a major victory for me!

Going into the store, I had to remove a long piece of toilet paper that was hanging out of the back of my mother’s pants.

My father insisted he was going home yesterday. He did not. The fluid in his bag was still too pink. He was so sure he was going home, he cancelled his dinner. He refused to call the kitchen and reorder it, so I did it for him. All of the information he told my mother was wrong. First I thought it might be a mix up during the translation process through my mother but when I got to the hospital he told me the same information. He insisted he had no catheter currently and that they would put it in Friday in the doctor’s office. The reverse is true. There was improvement in his fluid function yesterday just not enough. Since he’s 82, the urologist just wants to be sure the danger of blood clots has passed before releasing him. I think he’ll be able to come home today.

I lost my mother in the hospital. I dropped her off at the door so she wouldn’t have to walk so far. She decided to go up to my father’s room without me. I get to the room and she’s not there. Off I go looking for her. She had gotten in an elevator with front and back doors and gone out the back which takes you to the labs. Her sense of direction was never really that good but now she really gets turned around.

One of the vendors I used at work called my house and left a message asking me to call him. I wonder what that’s about. As pathetic as it sounds, not knowing kept me awake last night.

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Blue Skies

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I found my NEO. I am surprised. I have to finish my office/studio. I am a secret 2nd story hoarder. It’s a place where I put things when I just don’t know what to do with it or I’m too lazy to put it away properly. Boxes and bags of material and craft items and books and books and books. It’s also storage for The Snoogs’ things. Her items include lots of books, too. No one QV is afraid the ceiling will come down on us. If they can do a whole really messy house in one weekend on the Hoarders, I should be able to easily do it this weekend. There are things up there I completely forgot I have. I could do about 500 projects without having to buy anything new.

I feel a tickle in my throat when I woke up this morning. If I get sick from all of my trips to the hospital I will be pissed. My father thinks he’ll be going home today. He told my brother that two different doctors told him he’d be leaving. Since he still had his catheter in at 15.00 yesterday, I’m not so sure. He has a tendency to hear what he wants to hear. He’ll be 82 next month and mostly acts like my three year old MM. He needs to come home soon though. All of these trips to the hospital are wearing my mother out. She’ll be 79 next month and is riddle with arthritis and can’t really walk much. Her mental faculties are so hot either. She claims my father has a mild case of alzheimer's but she shows more signs of it. They both still live in their own home together and usually do very well. My father still drives. They just have trouble when they get tired yet they sometimes refuse to rest.

The rain finally stopped. Today it is clear and sunny but very cold.

The Codes is itching again and we will have to take him back to the vet for his itchy pills. He did go about two or three months without itchy. And it’s been a year since he had problems with his ears. It is hard to believe that just last year his other vet was trying to guilt us into cutting his ear canals and rerouting them to “cure” him. His new vet gave him a different medicine and we haven’t had a problem since. The thousands of dollars and hours of time and angst we spent before just pisses me off. I am so glad we got a second opinion.

Game of Thrones is back on next week I can’t wait. The previews look so good. I am re-reading book one, Fire and Ice.

I am trying to figure out how I can write while doing other things.

My mother complained the other day about my reading while we were endlessly waiting at the hospital. She said it was rude. I should be talking to her. I had to remind her that I’m not much of a chatter. If she had anything to say to me I would participate in the conversation (I can read and write while being interrupted no problem.) She said since we are mother/daughter we should be able to talk without problem. I said one would think after all these years, she’d accept who I am and stop trying to change me. I’m not holding my breath.

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Best Laid Plans

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I make plans and I am always surprised when the universe thumbs its nose at me.

My father was to have a prostate procedure this morning. I checked with my parents several times to see if they wanted me to take them but they insisted I did not need to go. According to them, it was only to take a couple of hours and he would be home. If I could just call them at 04.30 to make sure they were awake and up, that would be more than enough. No problem.

Since The Snoogs, The Pirate and The MM drove to Florida last night I didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 02.00 and drifted in and out until my alarm went off and I called my parents. They were up and about so I laid back down.

Just as I fell asleep at 06.15, they called. Their car would not start and they were fifteen minutes late for my father’s appointment. I woke up QV. We got dressed and out the door in ten minutes. Fifteen minutes later in fornt of my parent’s house, I got out of our truck and my father got in and they were gone.

Not fifteen minutes after that QV was back. My father did not want QV to go in with him. Problem was, now no one knew anything. I had QV take me back to the hospital. I went in and my father was still waiting. It’s now 07.15. My father said they weren’t taking him up for his procedure until 11.30. That didn’t sound right. When his intake nurse came I found out that he was due to go up at 07.30 and it would be several hours by the time he’d be back in recovery. So I waited. He went up on time. I left my number and QV took me back to my parents house where we waited for the hospital to call.

In the meantime, QV took out their battery (the original from when the bought the car) got a new one and put it in. Good to go on that. QV left to do other things. The surgeon called around 09.00 to say all was well but they were going to keep him overnight because they wanted to put in a catheter to make sure he wouldn’t get blood clots because they ended up taking out more tissue than they originally planned.

In between all of this I talked to The Snoogs to keep her awake. They drove straight through so she was getting sleepy towards the end of her turn driving. They left around 20.30 Sunday night and they arrived at their hotel at 15.00 this afternoon.

My mother and I went back to the hospital at 12.30. My father finally got to his room at 13.30. We talked to his nurse and got all kinds of information and by 14.45 my father was falling asleep so I took my mother home.

This has finally learned me to trust my instincts. I just should have gone in the first place like I wanted to.

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