Flash 55 - gag*

I can’t breathe. 

I’m suffocating because I haven’t the courage to suck air. 

Sharp pain shoots down the right side of my neck. 

My throat contracts like a twisted rubber band 

ready to snap and shoot me in the eye 

so I’ll have a real reason to cry. 

There’s nowhere I can go to scream.

go play with the G-Man so at least one of us are happy today

*My babies are moving to Florida in less than a month. 

I think I'm taking it rather well, don't you?

Tears and Fears

* comments closed on this post *

I cried last night.

The MM wouldn’t fall asleep at one when he should have taken his nap My fault. I should have fed him before putting him down so he was too hungry to calm and I didn’t figure it out until a couple of hours later when he told me he was hungry. I let him up at two thirty. He ate a whole can of Spagetti-O’s which he loves for lunch, plus a whole banana. Then we went to Target because I was out of bubble bath and he wanted a bath yesterday. Our Target is only three miles away. On that short car ride, The MM got sleepy. I put him in the cart and we went in the store. He stayed awake long enough to pick out Mr. Bubble, and blue and pink bath foam and the bath water coloring tablets and an Angry Birds gift bag coloring kit. Then he started nodding off I the cart while I tried to look for closet organizing baskets. I figured I could do that when I was alone next week much better, so we went home like he wanted.

As soon as I put him in the car, he fell asleep. He stayed asleep while I took him out of the car. I figured I would let him sleep an hour then wake him up. By the time the hour went by it was five in the evening. He wouldn’t wake up. I even moved him from the couch to his bed and he wouldn’t wake up. I knew I was going to be in trouble now. He did get out of bed to find me around seven. He climbed on me and went back to sleep. QV picked him up and carried him back to bed. We hoped he would sleep all night long now. I didn’t think it would happen, so I went to bed at seven thirty (I did get up early - at six - which I am no longer used to after only two weeks.) The MM woke up at nine thirty and stayed awake, playing, until two thirty in the morning. It’s eight now and he’s still asleep. We’re going to visit my parents, O & O, today. Hopefully, I’ll do better with The MM schedule.

I cried last night not because my sleep was disturbed although that never makes me happy. Because I couldn’t fall right to sleep and stay asleep, I started thinking. I thought about work. It seemed like it was so long ago that I worked and I sort of miss not having a place to go to each day - you know, like an easy plan for my days. And I miss the familiarity of the people and that they’ve mostly made no effort to contact me. First I tried to block the bad feelings and then I remembered that I’m not doing that anymore. I am now looking at my bad thoughts and feelings and examining them instead of running from them. So I cried.

And right then I got the opening for my book, tSLBoM, and how it should be written. The plan and layout came to me in the middle of my tears and fears. Not a bad trade off.

546

* forgot to turn off comments - I wonder if that was Freudian *