Wednesday, May 25, 2016

pulling teeth

*** You should stop reading this now and go somewhere else because this will be the most pathetic self indulgent load of crap on the Internet.

Good thing I got my 500 daily words done yesterday morning because if I had to do them last night, I would have been fucked. I'm not in a much better frame of mind this morning.

I want to quit writing. I have no idea why I want to write. It's fucking painful. Oh, should I have warned you that there'd be lots of cursing. This shit just hurts too much. It is physically painful to think about writing. I have nothing to say. I'm irrelevant and boring and I can't figure out why I should bother.

Last night, I almost deleted my Facebook account. It's a good thing I have fairly strong impulse control. I'd be causing havoc all over the place if I didn't. The writing gurus are right, though. Committing to writing everyday and posting this bullshit - without qualification or excuses - helps to force me to do it even when I hate it - writing - and myself.

The disdain I have for my writing can't be expressed. I never want to put pen to paper again (yes, I still write like the ancients did) or put my fingers on another keyboard. But the white screen calls to me and I respond like an addict. I hate it. I hunger for it. The thought of it makes me ill and more depressed and hopeless. I have to have it. I have to have more. I obsess over it. It invades all of my thoughts and moments.

I'm writing a one thousand word story for a writing contest and it's stupid and fractured. It makes no sense. I have until the twenty-ninth to finish it and submit to the judges. I suppose I'll work on it today. Maybe I'll read it at my writing group tomorrow. It's so dumb though. My adjectives are trite and mundane. Dumb. Seriously. I could throw up right now.

One soul is living and dying in five different dimensions/lives, switching genders and time periods. In one thousand words. What was I thinking? Man, I'm desperate. I have nothing to say and so I'm saying dumb things.

If you came here to read this crap, I'm sorry. I should put another warning in the beginning that I would be wallowing in self-pity and boring you with my whining. It's getting harder and harder each day to bother with anything. Routine is the only thing getting me out of bed now. I think it's the thing that's killing me, too.

Doodling helps you reduce stress. I need a big doodle pad. People are coloring now. I remember when I got laughed at thirty years ago for coloring. Now, I'm really babbling. I've completely lost focus.

I went back up to write a disclaimer so I could say, "I warned you."

If you've read this far down, though, I seriously apologize.

4 comments:

  1. You need to change it up. It sounds like writing has become more of a job and less of a passion. Take a break from writing and do something else to revamp your mind. I know you love writing and when you are ready, you will thunk of another story, one you are passionate about. You shouldn't write because you feel like you have to, you should write because you want to. You are overwhelming yourself with deadlines and I know you want to finish a novel but would you rather produce something you are passionate about than a novel you had to finish?

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  2. Vent all you need to. Isn't it just another form of writing?

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  3. "You should stop reading this now and go somewhere else because this will be the most pathetic self indulgent load of crap on the Internet."
    You know that's not true--you've read my blogs!
    I'm sorry you're in this terrible place. Been there, done that, and every time, it's just as shitty. I'm glad you didn't delete your Facebook account. I get terribly self-destructive that way sometimes too. Also, once I've spilled my guts, I often feel embarrassed about having done so. This is why I have so many dead blogs. Well, that and trolls, but since blogs of this kind are no longer in vogue, I don't get many visitors at all. As time goes on, that suits me just fine.
    I agree with Erika that you should back off on the deadlines, but I think you should keep writing flash fiction. For my own part, if I stop writing altogether, I become even more depressed.
    Sending you love and light, and many thanks for the help you gave me when I was in a tremendously dark place.

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  4. Did you really stop? I'm sorry, you have some good writings. Meanwhile you could write for the purpose of 'having fun.'
    I'm glad you didn't wipe out FB. This was scary:
    "Last night, I almost deleted my Facebook account. It's a good thing I have fairly strong impulse control.
    ..

    ReplyDelete

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