Monday, September 16, 2013

Confusion

The Codes

This post is for prompt 21 at mindlovemisery. The subject is My Story and we are to answer a question of our choosing. I’m asking, “From where does my love/hate response come?”

READER WARNING - The link at the end of this piece does not go to a happy place so beware.

My Story 

I had a dog. I’m not referring to the dog I have now; not the dog in the picture above. I’m talking about a dog I had as a young child when we lived in Fayetteville, North Carolina where my brother was born. This was during the time when I was still unbroken, still whole, still my genuine self.

I don’t remember this dog. I don’t know her name. What I know of her comes from brief stories my parents told me about her. She was a Cocker Spaniel. I’m guessing this is why I think this breed is so cute and happy. When I see one of these dogs, I get a warm and fuzzy feeling that I find disproportionate to the current moment and quite disconcerting.

At four, I would burst through the front door, knocking into my dog so that she would tumble away from me across the floor. Laughing, I’d chase her, scoop her close to my little body and hug her tight. We’d sit together in mutual, innocent joy.

Most dogs make me uncomfortable. During this same time period, one of our neighbors had a German Sheppard. I remember it being so much bigger than me. It looms in my memory as an all consuming monster; a Cerberus in my nightmares. It rose up, put a paw on each of my shoulders, sniffed my face then bit me on the cheek. Large dogs always get my blood pumping and my adrenaline flowing from fear.

So, like most things for me, dogs are part of the ongoing push-me-pull-me relationship I have life’s experiences.

My parents got rid of my dog when my father’s orders sent him to Germany. My mother, brother and I followed him to Frankfurt where I lost myself.

19 comments:

  1. The truest You-est Nessa can never be permanently lost. We love her glimmers here! Not to negate all you've survived! Just celebrating the essence of our loved Pal - You.


    Aloha means love and acceptance

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    1. That's so sweet. Thanks. Celebrating is always a good thing. Aloha!

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  2. Fayetteville? My mom lives in Sanford so not very far from where you lived! I didn't like Sanford much but I enjoyed living in Asheville NC. I am from Wilson NC which is a human cesspool. I had a German Shepard when I was young he was very kind to people but a tyrant with other dogs. I love dogs and have fortunately never been bitten or growled at. Your dog is beautiful =)

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    1. NC has good memories. I had loads of fun despite being bitten. I just prefer that dog owners be good puppy parents.

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  3. Yes, I think that dogs smell fear!

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  4. Dogs are a huge part of my life. I've had the honor of so many canine friends who hold huge chunks of my heart. We recently lost our German Shepherd, Riley, who was the kindest gentlest soul I've ever known. He was super huge (140 pounds) so you wouldn't have liked him, Vanessa. But had you grown to know him, you would have adored him. :)

    I love how the Cocker breed now makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. :)

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    1. I have known many German Shepherds since this incident who have been very loving and kind. My great Uncle had many wonderful dogs that were also quite large but very sweet.

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  5. My father wasn't keen on the work it takes to deal with a dog so we never had one. I found out that I wasn't cut out for being a dog owner when I got dachshunds for my son on his twelfth birthday after people kept telling me that a childhood isn't a childhood unless a kid has a dog. My son also found out that he's strictly a cat person.
    This isn't to say that either of us dislike dogs, but dogs make us both nervous. I've been bitten not too long ago by this horrid little hound that some of my neighbor's relatives bring over. They have done jack nor schitt about improving their fence so the little monster can't jump over. What they told me is "just yell at him to get back in his yard." I shouldn't have to do that.
    We always had cats when I was growing up. My father was really not a patient man although he was a good person at heart, and he was always yelling at the cats.
    I hope you don't mind my mentioning it but I'm an admin at a page called Animal Anarchy on Facebook. We post links to dogs and cats needing homes or rescue, as well as articles and pictures about animals in general.

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    1. Dogs require a great amount of work. I am more of a cat person myself. I always blame the pet parents when a dog is not properly socialized.

      Animal Anarchy is worthy of mention, so away. :)

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  6. smiles...i grew up with a pups as my best friend...a hound...he let me ride on his back when i was a tyke...sad to lose a friend like that...

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    1. Dogs are so very accepting and affectionate.

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  7. I'm surprised no one can tell you the dog's name. I do know that love/hate feeling. The second story is heart wrenching. So young to lose innocence. I'm speechless.

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    1. I have this deep feeling that her name was Lady, like from Lady and the Tramp (I loved this movie) as they as the same kind of dogs and the timing is right (the movie is from 1955 and NC was 1961 and 1962) but I'm not sure, so this is what I go with.

      There was a definite line drawn in the sand.

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. I love dogs. My son has a Border Collie, the runt of the litter, who is simply adorable. Recently I cat sat for Grace, my youngest whilst she and Brett, her partner, took a holiday break. I found out how delightful cats can be.
    Little Miss, the cats daft name, would climb onto my shoulders as I sat typing, then lie down in a fur ruff warming my neck for what felt like hours.
    Cats and dogs. Love 'em both but not those that bite.

    I responded on the link to the other story. Just in case it gets missed or, more likely, I did something wrong, her is what it said...
    The one thing I instantly feel, before my rational self kick's in, is my rage and desire to kill the son of a shit bag who dared do this. I stop, think and wonder why? Is it because I am a father of three girls? I don't think so. Maybe, nut I don't think so. I think it is that awful darkness that fills the light of humanity with its creeping shadow. It is the realization that this flaw exists in some people and we are powerless to prevent it.
    Horrid tale so well told.
    My girls are adults now and fortunately never went through such a thing. The thought that they might have returns me to the first sense of rage.

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    1. The Codes, in the picture above, is part Border Collie/Sheltie and Golden Retriever. My daughter picked him out from the pound.

      My father always said he hated cats but we'd find him in his lounge chair with our cat warming his feet and he rubbing her behind the ears.

      I appreciate your rage. It feels caring. Thanks.

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  10. I'm not a dog person. though i did grow up with oodles of dogs.. on a farm. we tried to train the pups... but it didn't extend into adult life. :\

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    1. We moved and traveled a lot when I was growing up so dogs weren't very practical plus I spent a great deal of time on farms too and there were cats all around.

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