Saturday, August 04, 2007

An Irish Tale

Long ago, in a time before the common man could read to the heights of an eight grade level, there was a cailin known as Colleen the Bookwurm. Brown of hair, brown of eye, the people of her small village mistrusted her because of her ability to read. She remained unmarried long after the normal age at which a woman would normally achieve conjugal bliss. In other words, she was a bit long in the tooth and her books weren’t keeping her warm at night.

Colleen decided to hire a matchmaker to find her the perfect man for a husband. Nosy Parker, the most famous matchmaker of all time, agreed to take on this difficult job. The first thing Nosy did was take away all of Colleen’s books. No one likes a learned woman.

Nosy next made up a list of all of Colleen’s good qualities that would counteract her dismal reputation as a reader. Once complete with only those things that men liked, the list would be the basis of an advertisement to bring in a well-rounded group of men from which a mate could be chosen.

Nosy mentioned Colleen’s ability to cook, in particular her famous steak and mashed potato sandwiches topped with brown gravy. She included Colleen’s material assets: a hut with indoor sleeping facilities, three pigs, and a donkey. Nosy also highlighted Colleen’s physical attributes: despite her advanced age, Colleen still had all of her teeth, her eyes weren’t crossed even after all of her reading and she was still quite bendy.

Riders went out and nailed the ads on trees and doors throughout the region. The date for the male revue was set for May Day. Many men came.

The wedding was a fete to remember. Patrons of pubs and taverns talked about it for days. Colleen’s new hubby ventured into one of the pubs on Sunday for a well earned day of rest.

Asked how he enjoyed his new wife and her dowry, he replied, “Colleen has a sweet ass.”

25 comments:

  1. And nothing about the steak and mashed potato sandwiches topped with brown gravy?

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  2. Gawilli: He did like the steak and mashed potato sandwiches, but that donkey sure was sweet.

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  3. Oh boy ... that really is a sweet ass. :)

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  4. Dan: You went and peeked, didn't you?

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  5. Does he beat her ass?

    Also, did she get her books back?

    When they had kids, were they readers or not?

    Was one of the kids named Donna Shillelah

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  6. Hmmmm didn't get it the first time I read, until I read the comments here - HAHAHAHAHA Nessa, you kill me!

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  7. BB: No, he strokes her ass gently.

    Well, yes, of course. Silly question.

    Children are always raised in their mother's religion.

    Their oldest daughter: she became the President of the University of Wisconsin.

    Jenn: I love double entendres, especially if they are very subtle. I also try to include a few 'cause they make me giggle. There are at least six in this piece.

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  8. Colleen: I've seen the picture, so I know it's true.

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  9. Wow, an amazing storyteller AND a good friend. Look at you spiking the search engine for Fab.
    You a nice girl, Nessa
    Mwah!

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  10. Excellent story with a perfect tie-in to Mr. Fab's request! It did sound like an old Irish tale.

    Although from Mr. Fab's accounting, Colleen is a bit tough on the waitstaff which made me not like her very much. But I like you Colleen :)

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  11. OK, so this reminded me of:
    Lady goes to doctor for checkup. Comes home. Husband asks about the report. She tells him everything is fine. He says, "Oh yeah, wha'd he say about your fat ass?" She replied, "Your name was never mentioned."
    I'm sorry. My mind is just going in circles today.
    Have a great week.

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  12. Better copywrite this thing! It's priceless!!

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  13. Logo: Thanks. I figure his site could use some more readers; D

    G: I so understand the not sitting down at the table part, though. That makes me nuts.

    Swampy: Good one. It’s the same kind of thing.

    Dabich: Thank you and my entire site is copyrighted in preparation for my fame.

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  14. LOL Nessa, great story and way to include Colleen has a sweet ass.

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  15. Kat: Thanks. It is important for everyone to know the Colleen has a sweet ass. How does one know if this works?

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  16. Wish I was the owner of that ass!

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  17. Frickin' great story! Thanks for that! xo

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  18. Another great story and interesting ending.

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  19. Nessa, this is a great story! (but I see that mr fabulous has lured you over to the dark side!)

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  20. Was it just for show, or was he allowed to ride the ass on occasion?

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  21. Cindra: Hi, ya, girly. I’m glad it tickled you.

    Dr. John: Is “interesting” one of those “special” compliments? ; D

    Jackie: I am officially Darth Vader.

    Diesel: Are you asking something dirty again?

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