Long ago, in a time before the common man could read to the heights of an eight grade level, there was a cailin known as Colleen the Bookwurm. Brown of hair, brown of eye, the people of her small village mistrusted her because of her ability to read. She remained unmarried long after the normal age at which a woman would normally achieve conjugal bliss. In other words, she was a bit long in the tooth and her books weren’t keeping her warm at night.
Colleen decided to hire a matchmaker to find her the perfect man for a husband. Nosy Parker, the most famous matchmaker of all time, agreed to take on this difficult job. The first thing Nosy did was take away all of Colleen’s books. No one likes a learned woman.
Nosy next made up a list of all of Colleen’s good qualities that would counteract her dismal reputation as a reader. Once complete with only those things that men liked, the list would be the basis of an advertisement to bring in a well-rounded group of men from which a mate could be chosen.
Nosy mentioned Colleen’s ability to cook, in particular her famous steak and mashed potato sandwiches topped with brown gravy. She included Colleen’s material assets: a hut with indoor sleeping facilities, three pigs, and a donkey. Nosy also highlighted Colleen’s physical attributes: despite her advanced age, Colleen still had all of her teeth, her eyes weren’t crossed even after all of her reading and she was still quite bendy.
Riders went out and nailed the ads on trees and doors throughout the region. The date for the male revue was set for May Day. Many men came.
The wedding was a fete to remember. Patrons of pubs and taverns talked about it for days. Colleen’s new hubby ventured into one of the pubs on Sunday for a well earned day of rest.
Asked how he enjoyed his new wife and her dowry, he replied, “Colleen has a sweet ass.”