Monday, June 25, 2007

Off

Sound reaches my ears through serous waves. I feel the vibrations more than I hear people talking. The words reach me as a dull hum that envelops me in a surreal haze. I wonder throughout the day if I am awake or if I am floating through a déjà vu experience; my elbows tingle, the skin on my lips comes alive as I breathe and my cheeks pulse with heat.

The juxtaposition of sensations makes me nauseous. I walk the landscape of an Escher drawing, spiraling in a topsy turvy world where up and down dance in confused order. My body disconnects from my mind and soul, the tenuous plasma chord which usually keeps me whole streaming off to nothingness. The realities I normally keep compartmentalized switch places and blend like crayon shavings melting on a piece of paper held over a light bulb.

My solar plexus throbs matching my racing heart beat. My eyes do not exist. My lungs constrict, tighten, full of phlegm. My mouth tastes of ozone, a dry thunderstorm brewing behind my teeth.

I want to close my eyes, to sleep, to dream, to be in a place more fully realized than this humid swamp I wade through.

22 comments:

  1. Wow. I've had feelings of being 'disconnected', but I'm one of those people that is usually oblivious to what I'm feeling or what is going on in my body. If I wasn't - I'd still never be able to verbalize feelings this way. You have a talent, alright. And when I read this - I almost 'feel' what you've written.

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  2. Virginia Woolf said it was like being stuck behind a plate of glass - and observing the world from there.

    I like how it feels to feel.

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  3. Jackie: I've spent alot of energy trying to supress these feelings. I am practicing just experiencing them. I can only verbalize them on paper. If anyone asked me how I was feeling, I'd say, "Fine." ; D

    Jenn: Last night I was thinking it's like being in a mime's invisible box. Feeling is better than the alternative.

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  4. Well all I am able to say is tomorrow is another day....

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  5. You write very well.:)

    I just realized that my change of format wiped out a lot of my peeps when I couldn't find you!

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  6. Nessa, this gave me chills. Pap and I walked past one of those glass house displays in a mall once and he said "That's how it feels to me, like I'm inside and everyone else is out." Just like your mime reference.

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  7. I almost always "put on a happy face." But I have days and days, and sometimes nights, of my "what's it all about?" feelings. I hate that. A mind ought to come with an "off" switch.

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  8. You're mime, all mime!

    I changed one word in one of your sentences, to reflect a truth that every writer has to confront, and fell in love with myself all over again: The royalties I normally keep compartmentalized switch places and blend like crayon shavings melting on a piece of paper held over a light bulb.

    "humid swamp" was a tad redundant, but swamp does need a modifier in the rhythm of this sentence...

    Have I mentioned lately how fun you are?

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  9. An apt description of a really lost person.

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  10. I'm giving you a really tight hug in my mind ... to help you ground if only for a moment. Hugs.

    This was beautifully written.

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  11. Thanks for the comment on the last entry in my old blog.

    If you're interested, please visit my new blog: http://nomnwo.blogspot.com

    See? I told you I wouldn't leave you hanging!

    (And, yes, it looks like I have a lot to read yours.)

    Andy

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  12. That sounds like the beginning to a novel...a best seller!!

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  13. You've just described my last trip to the doctor's office.

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  14. Or the onset of heat exhaustion???

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  15. I don't know whether to congratulate you on your ability to write like this or to feel like this, or maybe it should be both.

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  16. Pauline: This feeling dissipated by the end of the day. I get through these odd moments by reminding myself that they always do end.

    Katie: Thanks. That’s happened to me, too.

    Kat: It is very weird. I used to feel this way more in the past. It’s been a while, so it kind of took me by surprise. I never have figured out where it comes from. It just is and I think pay attention to it made it go away faster.

    TLP: An off switch would be so great. Sometimes the nights are really bad.

    BB King: You are a goof. I want me some royalties. While you are correct that “humid swamp” is redundant (I missed that during edit, bad me) I think it a tad ungallant of you to mention it; D I’m fun? You mean because you can laugh at me, right? (I’m laughing.)

    Dr. J: Not lost, so much as off kilter.

    Dan: Your hugs are always welcome. Thanks.

    Andy: Been to your new place. I am now waiting for more candy.

    Dabich: I am keeping all such comments for when I start sending out manuscripts. Thanks.

    Grunty: This feeling sucks big ones, doesn’t it? I’m sending you feel well mojo.

    Mizmel: That, too. I was a little dizzy.

    Logo: Major suckiness.

    Bazza: I guess one comes with the other. If I add drink to the mix, I could be a real writer; D Thank you.

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  17. this is how i used to feel back in my "migrane" days. fortunately, those are now rare, but i think i know where you're coming from. ; )

    also thinkin' an air conditioner helps on those swampy humid sticy wet-with-sweat afternoons. hugs (while wonderful) don't. but that's just me, feeling hot and sticky, and um, "disconnected".

    as always, a brilliant bit o' writing, my friend! hope that feeling of "dissipation" is long gone, and has since been replaced by a stronger sense of terra firma, and a smile. : ) xox

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  18. Neva: The feeling is gone now. Alone time usually does the trick. I seem to need an inordinate amount.

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  19. Wow! What a tapestry of feelings woven with those words. That was eloquent. But enough with the compliments my talented, writer friend...how are you today?

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  20. Swampy: Thanks for asking. I am mucho betterer. I've been learning how to do neat video stuff.

    Videos will be coming soon to Wings Unfolding and YouTube.

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  21. Wonderful writing. Although Malte feels penetrated by the chaos of modern society, this passage reminds me a bit of a section from Rilke's famous novel! Brava!

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