Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Public Service Announcement

I placed an ad for a Customer Service Representative position I need filled here at work. Reviewing resumes gives me chest pains because people are idiots. Here are some pointers for anyone who may be looking for a job and submitting resumes:

Use spell and grammar check. There is no excuse for any spelling mistakes or using two when you meant too or to. i is always capitalized, as in, I can’t believe the mistakes on some resumes.

When I ask for your salary requirement, please give me a dollar figure. Don’t say it’s negotiable or ignore the request all together. I have a budget. There is no point in our talking if my budget is $12.00 - $14.00 per hour and you want $19.00 per hour. You can’t negotiate that big of a difference.

If you are going to use an email address, please get a business-like one. If I see your email address on a resume is hot mama, satan’s dog, tiny tina or big bad bill, I’m going to assume you are looking for a different type of job. Email addresses are free. Do yourself a favor and get one that just has your initials and use that for job hunting.

Please stop telling me you are a team-player, a self-starter, a go-getter, a people-person, a multi-tasker. You have “strong customer service relations?” Do you sleep with your customers? I want to know specific job skills.

If you are computer proficient why can’t you format your resume properly when sending it via e-mail?

Strange background pictures, broken sentences, odd characters, all capital letters, weird bolding and italizing in sentences: these things are like pink paper and perfume. They are no-no’s.

If you are looking for a job as an insurance underwriter, legal office assistant, computer programmer, medical receptionist, graphics designer, bookkeeper, sales manager, or anything other than a customer service representative in my business, don’t send me your resume. I am looking for a customer service representative in my business, just like I said in my ad. Read the friggin’ ad.

I put my name in the ad. It is clearly a female name. Do not address your cover letter to me as, Dear Sir.

A resume objective is a place for you to tell me how you can help me. I don’t care if you want to grow. I don’t care if you want advancement. You want to secure a rewarding position? Well, duh, who would want a position that is not rewarding? But, what has any of this to do with what you can do for me?

Don’t make handwritten changes to your resume. Take the time to make the changes on a computer. Computer use is free at most libraries. Don’t tell me you wanted to get me your resume, as soon as possible, so you don’t miss out on an opportunity or because you are perfect for the job.

Don’t be cute. Don’t call yourself a “Domestic Goddess.” Don’t say you were “out finding yourself” when you were on unemployment. As a matter of fact, if you feel compelled to use quotation marks on your resume, leave the item off.

Keep your resume to one page. Make your name smaller or your margins smaller or your sentences shorter, but somehow stick to one page.

I don’t care about your hobbies, unless they directly reflect on job skills. As a matter of fact, some peoples’ hobbies scare the living shit out of me.

22 comments:

  1. Reviewing resumes gives me chest pains because people are idiots.

    HA HA! And do people actually say that they're "domestic goddesses"? That's bad.

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  2. "Finding themselves?" Sounds like they found themselves out of a job and took up video games instead.

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  3. Dan: Yes. These are incredible, but true.

    Serra: I eliminate 80% of the resumes for these kinds of things.

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  4. At one place I worked I was handed a reume with a job application attached. The reume had dozens of typos. The job app was filled out in red crayon. The woman said, "My children are very needy and kept distracting me." Three strikes. "Thank you for coming. Next!"

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  5. I think people like that exist so that the rest of us will get the jobs... kind of like a Darwin's theory of the workplace?

    Our high schools go through all those things with our students, starting when they're freshman. The first thing they learn? Get rid of "hottiebogottie@yahoo.com" or whatever else. yikes.

    Good PSA!!

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  6. I really want to know what some people's hobbies are. This is a great rant. Can we include, don't make the resumes three pages long too?

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  7. This has been very helpful, Nessa. From now on I will stop putting "RUSH RULES!!!" on the bottom of my resume.

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  8. Quilly: That reminds me of phone conversations I've had with prospective employees where their children (or TV's or radios) are screaming in the background to the point where I can not hear myself think.

    DCMM: There should be a Life class in all high schools.

    Egan: There's nothing worse than reading three pages of a bad resume. It's not good to let me know one of your hobbies is partying with your friends.

    Grunty: You're a Democrat, right?

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  9. i paid someone to write my resumé for me. best 90 FREAKING DOLLARS i have ever spent. no. i change my mind. 2nd best 90 freaking dollars. first best 90 freaking dollars i ever spent was on an automatic scooping catbox for my roommate's cat. considering my resumé didn't make my home smell like poo, it comes in 2nd. what am i even talking about?

    my point is - it's a career people! it's the boss' first impression. don't eff it up!

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  10. all they let me have at the institution are markers. can I use those or is that bad?

    and should i leave out my stint as New Plaything as Club Wondersex? i mean, some of the things i did there really exemplify the lengths i'm willing to go to service my customers, but they may scare employers off.

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  11. You thought I was talking about Rush Limbaugh, didn't you.

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  12. Tina: I need a new joke to heal my soul from all of this torture.

    Crystal: Exactly. It's your first opportunity to show you can be business like.

    PTB: You save this info for the interview, behind closed doors *wink, wink* (You wouldn't believe what I've been told in interviews - guns, lesbian sex, horse poop, dating stories, drinking stories, children services stories. I mean, really.)

    Grunty: I did know you were talking about Rush Limbaugh. I made an unfunny joke. But you are not far off the mark. People have included their politcal ideals in the hobby section.

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  13. This is really funny . Because it is so true and people do not seem to get it!

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  14. Try hiring someone with "Flash" experience.

    That could get fun.

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  15. Katie: I'm now dreading the interviews. The things people will say then are amazing.

    HCG: If I've lifted my shirt, does that count?

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  16. Excellent tips...this post should be handed to every high school graduate along with their diploma.

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  17. Oh, Nessa, this is hilarious! Been there - I know what you mean - but I still get a kick out of reading those resumes. And I'll really be looking forward to your 'recap' of some of your interviews. 'People' just crack me up!

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  18. oh lordy, I am dying here,
    how did I miss this post?!
    Love it.
    And I am soooo with ya.
    Preach on

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  19. Goldennib, I think The Grunt was talking about the rock group, Rush - it's my guess. But your joke was funny no matter what :)Although, I think I would call him in for an interview out of curiosity.

    You really have to sort through a bit of muck. This was funny from the other side of the desk.

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  20. Kat: How to fill out an ap, how to do a budget, get a checking account, write a resume, do an interview; all should be part od HS.

    Jackie: We're interviewing now. Some of the things I've heard...

    Logo: Yeah, baby.

    G: Oops. If time wasn't tight, I'd bring in them all just to see who they are and to give them tips for the future.

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  21. Very true. I see the same things coming through. Can I please add that at any given time I am advertising for more than three positions so if you don't tell me which one you are applying for, it goes straight to the trash bin?

    Recruiting has taught me the world is 89% dumb.

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