Tuesday, October 24, 2006

You Suck




I am pretty sure I’m a vampire.

I was watching a show on Discovery last night about vampires. Well, I actually watched one on Discovery and then one on Biography and I really wasn’t watching too carefully, mostly just glancing during the times when Blogger toyed with my affections during the night.

Look at those hideously long and sharp eye teeth. They are perfect for piercing flesh. I bet they’d leave that tell tale mark on someone’s neck. And see that chip in the right, front tooth? I got that when I tried to have a vampiric moment with a swinging padlock.

Do I bite the dog or my husband?

While trying to answer the previous question, I started gnawing on my index finger’s cuticle. I ripped it off and it began to bleed. I sucked on my finger until I bled no more. I rather enjoyed the sensation.

Sunlight bothers my eyes. I even wear my sunglasses on cloudy days. I hum “Sunglasses at Night” when I am out cruising the bars looking for victims.

I wear black all of the time and I think capes are cool. If I had any fashion balls, I would attempt to bring long, flowing, red satin-lined cloaks back into common use. But I’m sensitive and cry easily, so I prefer not to have anyone point and laugh at me.

I like to sleep all day and stay up all night. At three in the afternoon, I’m ready for a nap and sometimes I don’t even go to bed until twenty-one hundred hours.

I think Don Henrie is hot, not. He’s just a walking freak show.

And I’m blonde. Oh, sorry, that doesn’t make me a vampire. Never mind.

26 comments:

  1. But Stevie Nicks was blonde; however, she was more of a witch. So, you could get a big kettle and start concocting stuff, Nessa.

    I am the same way with sunlight. I have to have my sunglasses on all the time. I also stay up for all hours. I have had blood pudding before. It just might be that I'm....weird!

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  2. Oh cripes! If I use your description as a guideline, I am a vampire, too -- although the chip on my right front tooth came from a close sncounter with a motorcycle helmet. Oh, and I'm technically not a blonde, but you said that didn't matter anyway ....

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  3. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. If I were a vampire I'd never work again. No food bills (just chomp on the nearest human) and no rent to pay (just sleep in a coffin in a graveyard somewhere).

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  4. Grunty: Did you like the Blood Pudding?

    Quilly: I'm not a real blonde either.

    Jay: Those are very good selling points.

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  5. I'm not a vampire for sure. I think your teeth are cool, Nessa. And my front tooth is chipped from nail biting...nice, huh?

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  6. Cindra: I chew on my cuticles (I said that already.)

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  7. Woo-Hoo! Found you!OK, here's what's happening, I think. Check how you have signed in at my place to see if you used blognet or blogspot. Change your URL to blogspot and let's see if that works. Thanks for being persistent on trouble shooting the problem. BTW, I think you might be a vampire butterfly.

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  8. I think you are really getting into the "spirit" of halloween. Enjoy!!! Oh yes, don't forget to take a spooky ride. Personally I screem louder than the children at such events. lol

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  9. The blood pudding was something that if you didn't know what it was, you could eat it fine. But, I could never get over that I was eating a huge scab with bits of barley inside of it.

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  10. You've convinced me, "when I'm out cruising the bars looking for victims" I thought you were joking until that bit!

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  11. I think that Brad Pitt was blonde in Interview With a Vampire. So, I think you still are not exempt. Plus...how cool would that be to live for centuries?

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  12. I posted about that very same thing today! Mostly because I saw the same Biography show. :-)

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  13. Swampwitch: You were right about my sign in. I fixed it. And Vampire Butterflies look just like my picture. I may need to do a new costume this year (although I hate to give up the witchy one.)

    Pauline: I love Halloween. And I think I’m going this weekend.

    Grunty: That makes me throw up in my mouth and all over the floor, kind of like Linda Blair.

    Bazza: See, I told you. I never lie, ever, never, ever. Nuh ah.

    HCG: True to the blonde. I could get into it. Especially if I had my own personal big library.

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  14. YUP! It's for sure. You're a vampirebutterfly. Will be on the road for a week. May not be able to visit on a regular basis.
    Happy VampireFlying.

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  15. are you deathly allergic to garlic?

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  16. Swampwitch: Have a good trip.

    Guggs: Yes, I am. I have to milk the bulbs and keep some garlic venom in the frig for emergencies.

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  17. Hi ,
    I am visiting from Swampwitch. I enjoyed your very funny post. Your blonde comment reminded me of my childhood. The childhood friends of my neighborhood were German descendents, who all had blonde hair. I was a brunette. When we played, I had to be the witch because blondes could not be witches. When we played house, I had to be the dad because males are more likely to be brunuttes than blondes. Oh well, maybe I am a vampire too, but I do not think vampires ever have gray hair.

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  18. goldennib - lol - being blond may not have anything to do with being a vampire - but it explains some things to me now!!! Happy hunting.

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  19. MJD: Welcome. Your comments are very funny. I would never have thought of these things. It is amazing how children are conditioned. But I understand some of what you are saying. My daughter has beautiful brown hair, the color of fine mink, but she alsways wanted to be blonde because everyone else in our family is blonde. I even grew out all of my blondeness one time to make her feel better.

    Jackie: I think I am VERY insulted; D

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  20. Yup, definately a vampire. Be sure to screen for Aids before biting.

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  21. Vampirebutterfly! That is too funny!

    Today at school when I went out to pick my students up from recess one young lady looked up at me and said with shock and indignation, "Ms. A. you're not really a blonde! I can tell your hair is brown!" Time for a little Clariol conditioning ....

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  22. Does that mean you need to get a vampire Pomeranian?

    No, huh?

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  23. Kat: Thanks for stopping by. I am a very responsible biter.

    Quilly: I get those tell tale signs, too.

    Serra: It took me a while to find a picture. That's scary.

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  24. lol... this was funny. I have a nephew (Cindra's son) who has called me his vampire aunt for a few years now. :)

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  25. Brooke: Is that because you are always drawing blood? You aren't practicing on him are you?

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