Thursday, September 28, 2006

5T or Thursday's Too Tired To Type

I did not write this. I received this as an e-mail.

Subject: My Email Education (We've all received most of them)

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in the special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt. who requested it.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the Microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big Brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.

Have a wonderful day, and you are welcome!

18 comments:

  1. hahaha! I've received this a time or three also. It's at least good for a laugh :)

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  2. I've never received it, and I LOVE it! I needed a good laugh today. Thanks, goldennib!

    Oh, yeah...vote for me at Sar's!!!

    Thanks.

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  3. Oh, yes, this is so good! So much of this crap that is passed around irritates me. I can personally tell you, anything I receive that is suppose to be forwarded...is immediately deleted! Been doing this for years and haven't been hit by a train, come down with malaria or gone to hell yet! LOL

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  4. I love this! Just on principle I refuse to forward anything that has a threat attached, or a promise of granted wishes. I delete them. Let the bad luck pile up on me. I don't believe in it, so I figure if I keep it I am saving someone who does a lot of stress.

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  5. Yeah, this was great. I have to wonder about the KFC one, though. I think they could get the chicken to lay biscuits and crap gravy, thus, saving lots of money.

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  6. I have broken every single 'chain' that I've ever received. On rare occasions I have written my sender to call into question his or her sanity.

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  7. This was too funny!

    I received some of those in the mail, and have yet to forward any (I think).

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  8. I just received the same email a few weeks ago. I forwarded it on to all those silly people who forward me things without first checking to see if they are hoaxes, urban legends, etc. ;-)

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  9. Ooooh! Bert Bananas and I must be related. I actually sent someone the Urban Legend website link and told them they weren't to forward me any more threats unless they could guarantee beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were 100% true.

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  10. Every time I got one of those forwards, I sent them the URL for the Hampster Dance. I'm such a bitch.

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  11. I love this.
    Forwards are the bane of the online world.
    I hate them.
    I despise them.
    I usually delete them without even opening them.

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  12. Hi Nessa,
    a little magic for the weekend
    "Life Inside A Cell"
    Video-TRON-ics youtube
    Enjoy!

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  13. Brilliant post I hadn't seen that yet, don't forget a human tooth dissolves in Pepsi if you leave it in there 3 days ;).

    I'm a solitary practitioner of Wicca nice to meet another pagan thanks for the comment on my blog.
    In England some looney started a bonfire INSIDE her flat and nearly burned the building down, and said it was because she was Wiccan, and it got in a tabloid newspaper, which obviously isn't the type of publicity us guys need. That's why I have to give the candle warning at the end of any post I do about candles :).

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  14. nancyrowina...don't you just love the one dumbass apple that ruins the whole barrel? Should anyone look into your practice, they would see it is based on the same beliefs as many other "religions" or spiritual practices that take into account the earth and the creator.

    To have to post such a disclaimer is stupid, but then, some people are just that!

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  15. Dabich: Much better than the emails that inspired it.

    Cindra Jo: Glad you like it. And done, did.

    Jackie: I hit the delete button with glee.

    Quilly: I delete for the same reason.

    Grunty: I heard KFC glows in the dark.

    BB: They don’t understand their illness. They are really afeared.

    Jenn: They die in mailbox, too.

    DCMM: They don’t get it, though.

    Quilly: Unfortunately, I don’t think the people who send these messages are very discerning.

    Serra: Good idea.

    Logo: I like to know if I get boils where they are coming from.

    Q: Fun stuff. Thanks.

    Nancyrowina: Thanks for stopping by. Insanity knows no bounds or religions. It reminds me of the woman who sued when she burnt her mouth drinking hot coffee. She apparently didn’t know it would be hot. Duh!

    Cindra Jo: I have found most religions have more in common than they have differences.
    Remember when that famous televangelist said that if people didn’t send him money, God would kill him? As if…

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  16. This is too funny. I have to send it to mom, she's always passing along these crazy forwards! I usually go to Snoopes.com to debunk the worst of the "act now or else" ones for her -- I mean *really* now, the PO is not going to stop selling Black History Month stamps any time soon...

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  17. Eddie: I must check out that site.

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  18. Now THIS is worth forwarding.

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