Wednesday, December 07, 2005

"Man must be arched and buttressed from within, else the temple wavers to dust."Marcus Aurelius

I love these sayings. Little bits of wisdom meant to help us on our way. They all contain a kernel of truth. The only thing is, they make me nuts because they don’t really tell you any thing of value, like this one. Yeah, I know I should be friggin’ buttressed from within, but how the hell do I build it. I know all about doing the positive talk thing and I guess that’s what old Markie Marc means, but then again I’m not sure. And that’s my point right there. Did Marcus Aurelius have complete certitude in his righteousness? Did he have the internal dialogue that I always have?
I hear my mother’s voice point out every little indiscretion, dust speck on my coffee table, fur ball in the corner, wrinkled shirt, the fact that I never became President of the US, that I didn’t marry anyone but the one I did marry, that my daughter is not girly enough, that I’m just not ever right. How the fuck do you maintain a buttress against that tide of negativity? I get worn out just getting out of bed some times. It takes real work to be satisfied with my life and me. And I am generally happy, but I often think in a superficial way. I feel damaged at my core, with my temple crashing around my ears. I want to be arched and buttressed, but how do I begin building amongst the rubble. Where do I start and how do I keep going when I lose heart?

5 comments:

  1. Good post. Perhaps one of my favorites of yours so far.

    And, yes, I myself have wondered if when we run across these quotes from quotable people, whether they realized or not the impact their words would one day have, that their words would be remembered long after they were gone.

    As for buttressing yourself, you just do. You just put one foot in front of the other and do. We're all walking wounded.

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  2. Yes, it makes me think too. I don't know how true Marcus Aurelius was to his own sayings, but I guess he didn't have to be. He just had to write them down, so they could pass into posterity.

    I think it is difficult to buttress yourself when all you receive is negative feedback. I guess you need to seek alternative viewpoints, the ones that support rather than poison your essential self, your cheerleaders who raise their pompoms when you go by and say, don't worry girl, you're doing just great.

    "Don't worry girl, you're doin' just great! Now go out there and have some chocolate ice cream."

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  3. Andy - I am glad you are ok. And you are right, you just DO. One of the things I like best about blogging is the communication. People can express their feelings easier incognito. We all are walking wounded and it's good to know one is not alone.

    Thanks, Jenn. Kind words as always. Mmmmmm, ice cream.

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  4. how is it that people like you and furyouhin manage to voice you feelings so easily, so eloquently - when i try i just sound like a whiney little brat... bugger - my english itteration skills have just died, ands im trying to write an essay ::collapses on keyboard::

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  5. CECCG -

    I thank you for comparing my expression of feelings to furyouhin. I am flattered. I always feel like I'm a whiney baby. I was brought up not to express how you feel. When I do, I feel guilty. It's hard to loosen up. But everyone's encouragement here helps.

    Thanks.

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